"my texture through a lense" is a research project funded by DISTANZEN over the course of 4 months.
I started the research with an attempt to allow for concrete reality and intimacy to enter my work. I used my own experience with sexual abuse and trauma as a motor for movement creation with the curiosity towards how conscious and concrete I can speak, when connecting my personal story with my dancing.
“The Body Keeps the Score”, as the title of the book by Bessel van der Kolk states. In the book he speaks of his work with traumatised patients and how he accesses trauma through movement and body work, in order to eventually heal it. Van der Kolk’s work has inspired me to challenge and research my own physical memory in an artistic process.
To what extent does the score reshape the body? Dose it reshape our personality? I asked if my abuse has something to do with who I am today? And what? What are the subtle effects of the violation of intimacy? Does it shape our identity?
I looked at the relationship between my past, my body and identity while also searching for a filmic format that could combine something visually poetic and abstract with reality in an artistically uncompromising manner.
My process consisted of 2 stages. One of complete porosity: searching, connecting, collecting and questioning. The other was focused on selecting and specifying what I thought was important to share and how.
The first stage consisted of two types of research: subjective and objective.
I started subjectively, from my own experience. I wanted to start from a physical and personal point, where I could allow my body to “speak” and search, without analysing or “knowing” something. I went into 7 hour studio days, trying to confront how my trauma had effected me. It took me a while to actually access my memory, and I realised that a lot of how I thought and felt about the trauma and the abuse was pre-decided by myself. In some way I had already organised my memory and created a narrative. So before I could really access something honest, I had to go back in time, remember and write down. I tried remembering how I had felt rather than what had happened during the abuse and in the years after.
As I went back into the studio, each day I focussed on a separate period, for example one day for when I got to know the abuser, one day for when he abused me (the act in self), one day for the period right after, and so on. Through this I found physical qualities, emotions, images and sensations. This part of it, was very free and purely physical, with a focus on listening to what is, observing without analysing and without thinking about producing something specific. I filmed almost every moment In order to be able to look back objectively and deepen each element if I found it could express to the outside what I felt on the inside.
The objective part of the search included reading materials by somatic trauma treatment experts in the world: Peter Levine, Gábor Maté and Bessel van der Kolb. I also watched various documentaries and reportages on sexual abuse and the trauma in can cause. While reading and watching, a lot of questions and some possible answers/parallels arose. One sentence from Gábor Maté got stuck in my mind: “every child experiences something that could be traumatising, but the reason something becomes a trauma is when the child has to deal with it alone”. This resonated with me, due to the fact that I forgot my abuse for some years and therefor was naturally dealing with it alone. I also observed a sort of “once traumatised, always marked” mentality in a lot of what I read and saw. This frustrated me: “Is this it? am I Edith who was abused, not just Edith? Am I forever affected by this in my life choices, relationships etc. ?“ As I compared my situation with other examples, I felt privileged: for one to the fact that I grew up In Denmark, and regardless of growing up with troubled parents there was love and the Danish social system having my back. I didn’t talk to my parents about the abuse and had no access to a therapist, but I realised that my work and education as a dancer has been the best treatment for my trauma. I was lucky to have this outlet. I wondered what it would have been like if I had had no outlet.
All the trauma experts I came across speak about the importance of the long term treatment and the power of somatic treatments for trauma. I had a conversation with Marieke, Berlin Social Worker, to ask how she experiences the support of the system and her clients needs. Through our conversation I realised that it is hard to get access to long term treatment. In Berlin for example there is a few trauma clinics (links bellow) where you can get short term appointments in immediate cases, you can also go to the emergency room to get submitted to psychiatry in a crisis. However the awareness, let alone the resources for trauma treatment on a long term basis is almost non-existent or requires a lot of stability and recourses both mentally and financially from the abused to access.
The first stage consisted of two types of research: subjective and objective.
I started subjectively, from my own experience. I wanted to start from a physical and personal point, where I could allow my body to “speak” and search, without analysing or “knowing” something. I went into 7 hour studio days, trying to confront how my trauma had effected me. It took me a while to actually access my memory, and I realised that a lot of how I thought and felt about the trauma and the abuse was pre-decided by myself. In some way I had already organised my memory and created a narrative. So before I could really access something honest, I had to go back in time, remember and write down. I tried remembering how I had felt rather than what had happened during the abuse and in the years after.
As I went back into the studio, each day I focussed on a separate period, for example one day for when I got to know the abuser, one day for when he abused me (the act in self), one day for the period right after, and so on. Through this I found physical qualities, emotions, images and sensations. This part of it, was very free and purely physical, with a focus on listening to what is, observing without analysing and without thinking about producing something specific. I filmed almost every moment In order to be able to look back objectively and deepen each element if I found it could express to the outside what I felt on the inside.
The objective part of the search included reading materials by somatic trauma treatment experts in the world: Peter Levine, Gábor Maté and Bessel van der Kolb. I also watched various documentaries and reportages on sexual abuse and the trauma in can cause. While reading and watching, a lot of questions and some possible answers/parallels arose. One sentence from Gábor Maté got stuck in my mind: “every child experiences something that could be traumatising, but the reason something becomes a trauma is when the child has to deal with it alone”. This resonated with me, due to the fact that I forgot my abuse for some years and therefor was naturally dealing with it alone. I also observed a sort of “once traumatised, always marked” mentality in a lot of what I read and saw. This frustrated me: “Is this it? am I Edith who was abused, not just Edith? Am I forever affected by this in my life choices, relationships etc. ?“ As I compared my situation with other examples, I felt privileged: for one to the fact that I grew up In Denmark, and regardless of growing up with troubled parents there was love and the Danish social system having my back. I didn’t talk to my parents about the abuse and had no access to a therapist, but I realised that my work and education as a dancer has been the best treatment for my trauma. I was lucky to have this outlet. I wondered what it would have been like if I had had no outlet.
All the trauma experts I came across speak about the importance of the long term treatment and the power of somatic treatments for trauma. I had a conversation with Marieke, Berlin Social Worker, to ask how she experiences the support of the system and her clients needs. Through our conversation I realised that it is hard to get access to long term treatment. In Berlin for example there is a few trauma clinics (links bellow) where you can get short term appointments in immediate cases, you can also go to the emergency room to get submitted to psychiatry in a crisis. However the awareness, let alone the resources for trauma treatment on a long term basis is almost non-existent or requires a lot of stability and recourses both mentally and financially from the abused to access.
|
I went back to the studio, to the subjectivity, with all this information and I started comparing my timeline with other timelines and with what for example Dr. Peter Levine stated as common symptoms. I found parallel emotions and states that seemed to be directly related to dealing with trauma. On the one hand it was nice to understand, on the other hand it was very frustrating and confusing as to “who would I be without this?” “Am I not already without this?” In a lot of the reportages and documentaries I saw, we follow a person telling their story without telling much more about them. Often this creates a narrative only revolving around this one abuse. The person is portrayed as a victim: maybe we like to see that, or be that? I am not quite sure. I started to feel more and more frustrated with this victimisation and the narratives created, especially of women who are sexually abused. And I remembered that in my talk with Marieke, we spoke of this problem, she told me how important she finds, from her perspective as a social worker, it is to provide perspective and not define people by what has happened to them, to offer treatment, alongside concrete solutions. She told me that she for example does not call the women “the abused” or “the victim,” but rather “the affected.”
|
|
It became clear to me that speaking from my perspective, the perspective of a woman who has been abused, who has dealt and is dealing with trauma but who dose not define them self as a victim. At the same time transparently speaking of the feelings, the confusion and the struggle with identifying yourself after a traumatising experience, while speaking without answers. That perspective I felt and feel is important to share.
I went back to my recordings of previous studio time and started selecting material to develop, that I felt resonated, objectively and subjectively. I started to collect images and movement quality that could visually-poetically talk about the feelings and states of mind.
I went back to my recordings of previous studio time and started selecting material to develop, that I felt resonated, objectively and subjectively. I started to collect images and movement quality that could visually-poetically talk about the feelings and states of mind.
Lastly, I have filmed scenes and interviews for a short dance film/documentary, in collaboration with Lea Bethke. I hope to share the film at Frauen häuser and mental health film festivals with the hope that it will resonate with others affected and give light to a new perspective, food for thought.
The camera allows for stillness and time to reflect. Through the lens we see every detail and emotion. It can be intimidating and intimate in a subtle form at once.
I applied for DIS-TANZEN with the wish to explore and search for a format that would allow for more intimacy and concrete reality in my work. It has been extremely intense working so personally. It has forced me to listen blindly and intuitively to my body, and this has resulted in a very honest, shameless and intimate quality in both movements and images. I feel there is still a lot to explore in terms of how I would take on such a process with other bodies as a choreographer, but it has become clear to me that its a process worth developing. It is a format that allows me, and eventually other performers to express a real thoughts and feelings and give them a new perspective. Without giving an answer, but simply sharing. The interesting thing for me was also that once I started searching in this very concretely personal topic, it confronted me with the reality I have created versus the reality in itself. Edith, the narrative and Edith. Do we know what is what? Do we have to know?
Regardless of working on film or Theater, or themes like trauma, love, or or or.. I found this an interesting additional discovery to the process and something I hope to facilitate in my upcoming processes in a playful manner. How too, Do we, Can we, consciously play with our reality and identity.
Trauma Clinics in Berlin
For Adults
Psychiatric university clinic of the Charité in the St. Hedwig hospital: Trauma clinic for adults
Tel. (030) 2311 1880
http://www.alexianer-berlin-hedwigkliniken.de/Traumaambulanz
Trauma clinic Berlin in the Center for Psychotherapy Friedrich von Bodelschwingh Clinic for Psychiatry and Psychotherapy: Trauma Clinic for Adults
Tel: (030) 5472 7887
http://www.fvbklinik-berlin.de/167.html
For Children and Youth
Clinic for Psychiatry, Psychosomatics and Psychotherapy of Children and Adolescents at the Charité: Trauma Clinic for children and adolescents
Tel. (030) 450 566 229
https://kinderschutz.charite.de/traumaambulanz/
*Funded by the Federal Government Commissioner for Culture and Media within the framework of the initiative NEUSTART KULTUR, aid programm DIS-TANZEN by the Dachverband Tanz Deutschland
Thanks to Lea Bethke, Katia Giovo and Tatwerk for providing studio space
